On my mind right now

These are the things going through my mind right now:
I think about a house that we will someday have (no not now, we are really happy in the condo)-what I want in this house-I want a huge backyard where we can have some chickens and plant vegetables and fruit, a place for the kiddos to play.  Does that mean we will move somewhere a little further out?  I don't think we will be able to afford Kirkwood when we do decide to get another house.  Where will we someday look?

I am thinking about May-and going to Braeutigam's farm to pick blueberries and how we will hopefully find out if there will be 1/4 of a cow for us to purchase from a grass fed cow farm.

I am thinking about the Tower Grove Farmer's Market and how I love it and hope to go there soon and also how I have never been to Soulard market and want to check it out too. 

I am thinking about going back to work tomorrow and how it's going to be hard to get back into it after being off for almost 2 weeks.

I am thinking about vacations since we just got back from one-where will we go next year?  We have to book our points early on our timeshare so I start planning early.  I am also thinking- 2015 is our 10 year anniversary-where will Jeff and I go to celebrate?  I have told him for years-we are doing something big for our 10 year anniversary!  I don't know if it will be Hawaii or what it will be, but I look forward to planning it.

I am wondering what kind of flowers me and the kiddos will pick out today and look forward to having some beautiful spring colors right outside our condo door.

I was looking at the kids clothes today and wondered when can I put up the winter clothes-when can I break out the shorts and the t-shirts for good!  I feel like we get close and then it gets cold again.

I wonder how the hubby is doing in San Francisco-I miss him and the kiddos do too. 

Do I really want to fold the 2 loads of laundry sitting in my basement right now or do I just want to keep on catching up on the computer-ok I'll answer that one-the kiddos are asleep, laundry can wait until tonight!!

Struggle to stay in the moment

We had a great trip and then reality hit pretty quickly.  We got in Friday night and Jeff left at 4:00 Saturday morning to begin a 4 city trip over the next 2 weeks for a video shoot that he is doing.  He will be in St. Louis for a few days, but for the most part, I am on my own with the kiddos.  The trip wore me it, it was great, but it wore me out.  Traveling with kiddos is exhausting that's for sure.  Aiden slept with me and Jeff in a little crib, but a lot of times ended up in bed with us (which he doesn't do at home).  It was nice to have that snuggle time, but exhausting because that little boy can move in his sleep which means momma didn't rest well.  So I started thinking yesterday how long the next few weeks would be with Jeff gone.  In the past few days I have really just had to cheer myself on in my head sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute just saying "you can do this Brandi, you got this."  I'll be honest, Jeff and I make a great team and I wear out easily when I am by myself for multiple days.  I also have a house to keep up with-laundry calling my name, dog hair piling up on the floor, kiddos yelling mommy every 5 seconds it seems.  I get overwhelmed by it all-want to make good choices, want to sit and play with the kiddos, but also want to tend to our household.  I honestly have a hard time playing too.  I could sit for hours as a kid and play barbies or make believe, but now it's hard for me to just sit with the kiddos and just play with no distractions.  That's all they want all the time.  All day yesterday it was "mommy play with us."  I'm not kidding, it was all day!  Jeff is amazing at this.  He can just get into their world and it is such a cool thing to see him with his boys playing.  He's an amazing daddy!  It's hard for me to stay in that moment because I honestly feel like I am not accomplishing anything-it's not like I am putting up the dishwasher or can see a pile of laundry disappear by folding it up.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kiddos, I know it's good to get into their world and just be with them.  That's honestly all kids ever want is for you to be, not do, just be.  So yesterday off and on all day I just sat with them.  We built a zoo out of legos and took our trains through the zoo to see the animals.  We doctored some sick animals with our doctors kit and masking tape.  I sat and watched one of Cale's shows that he loves to put on right now.  They weren't long extended periods of times, but I got into their world and they loved it.  I need to keep this in perspective because I am struggling with it this weekend.  This parenting thing is hard.   I feel like sometimes I am not a good enough mom if I am not spending time playing with or pretending/make-believing with my kids and getting in their world.  I know some mom's that do this well and I then look at myself and think what am I doing wrong.  Why don't I enjoy this more, why don't I just love sitting with my kiddos and taking a break from the crazy world around me.  Why can't I just disconnect from the world more and be with my kiddos.  Today at church I talked to my mom a little about this and she said, just do little things, it doesn't have to be all the time.  Get them involved in what you are doing.  If the dishwasher needs to be put up see if they want to help you.  So today after church I did that-my mind was telling me that I am not a good mom unless I am with them always and play with them and get into their world and my mind was also telling me-you haven't even put up your clothes from the trip yet, there is a dishwasher full of dishes that needs to be put up.  So I went into the kitchen to put some dishes up and start lunch-and they both followed of course-and they both wanted to help, so I let them.  It wasn't really helping :), but they just bascially took things off the top of the shelf and put them on the bottom or stacked them on the bottom.  Cale did good at putting sippy cups together and they had fun.  They were doing it with me, we were together.  Then they got their toy story toys out and would come and fly them to me as Buzz or bring Woody riding on Bullseye and I would ask them what they were up to, what adventures they were on and try to be part of what they were doing by helping make Buzz work by pressing the buttons, or giving Woody a high five.  Then for about 10 minutes they played together beautifully by themselves in the living room as I finished lunch up.  After lunch Cale helped me put away the suitcase and we made a game of it and then it was nap time.  I told Cale after naps that we would go to Home Depot and asked him if he would help me pick out some beautiful flowers for our front porch at the condo.  His little face lit up!  I think we will go get ice cream and watch the Amtrak after that. 

I can say that I don't think I will ever be a mom that can just sit and be all the time with my kiddos.  My mind goes too many places-to many thoughts of all the other responsibilities that I have as a mom and wife.  But my kiddos should be my priority.  I need to be more intentional of getting into their world.  Even if that means 5-10 minutes here and there throughout the day.  I can't do it all day, but I can still make my children a priority.  I also need to stop beating myself up about not being the perfect mom-I see so many other mom's out there and think-man do they have it together, how do they make it work, how do they love their kids so well when I feel like I lose my patience easily and look forward to bed time for kiddos many nights.  I beat myself up in a lot of areas of my life, mothering is probably the one I do the most.  What I need to do is look at the small moments and realize they are victories-yesterday sitting for 30 minutes and playing zoo and trains with my kiddos was a victory for me.  It doesn't have to be a constant 24 hour a day victory of being super mom.  It's trying everyday, falling, getting back up by the grace of God, praying sometimes every hour or every minute for patience and love for your children, and the most important thing-showing them God, Jesus-who they are, what that means in relation to having a relationship with God and others in this world.  And I think we are on to something there.  After church today Cale was so excited to be saying over and over again "Jesus is Alive" and all he wants to read for nap and bed time right now is his Jesus Storybook Bible.  So we read a story today and were looking at the next story we would read tonight and I didn't even have to say anything about the battle of Jericho and he starts telling me about it from the picture.  He is a sweet soul and that warmed my mommy heart.

I am not super mom, I am not perfect, I am not a mom who can sit all day and play-but I can have moments, I can bring my kiddos into my moments and make them fun, I can bring them into housework and show them responsibility and make it fun.  Jeff and I can teach them to love God first and what it means to be a follower of Jesus.  I hope I can someday get to the point where I don't beat myself up so much (that's something I have done all my life-talked myself down, said I am not worthy in so many areas outside of parenting).  I hope I can live in the moments and not in the I am not doing it right every second of every day so something must be wrong with me!  I pray more and more that I can accept and understand that God loves me unconditionally no matter if the dishes are dirty, no matter if I played with my kids for 30 minutes or 5 hours. I pray that I stop this unhealthy cycle of comparing myself to other moms, wives, business women, what have you and feeling like I never measure up. I pray that my kiddos will know the love of me and Jeff and know that we are going to mess up plenty of times and grow from it in many occasions.  But most of all I hope they will see their Heavenly Father's love, unconditional, unfailing, reaching beyond time constrictions or boundaries love.  This I feel is our greatest job as a parent, to love our children well in a fallen and broken world, let them know we are not perfect and won't always get it right and teach them in those moments, and let them know of a Father whose love is some days unfathomable to even me someone who has believed in her heart in Jesus since I was a teenager. 

Smokey Mountains 2013

We just got back Friday evening from a week long trip to the Smokey Mountains with my mom and dad.  We started out trip in Chattanooga and saw Rock City and rode the Incline Railway.  Cale and Aiden loved riding the mountain train.  Then on Sunday we headed to Gatlinburg where we spent 5 days.  It was beautiful weather and we got lots of hiking in.  We climbed Clingman's Dome one day, ate a few picnics by the rushing streams and hiked to Laurel Falls.  We also drove through Cade's Cove which is so cool and saw the old houses of the people that lived there in the 1800s in the middle of the mountains and made it their home.  For the most part the kiddos were troopers.  Of course they got off schedule with sleep, but they really were good.  A few fits here and there, but they had a good time.  The last night we were there we walked around downtown Gatlinburg and went out to eat and got some candy from a candy factory there.  Cale was awesome with the hikes.  We had some long hikes-the falls were a 2.6 roundtrip hike in and of themselves and he did great!  Aiden loved the mountains as he called them.  He would just say mountains over and over again.  Even now that we are home he still says mountains.  And they had statues of black bears everywhere so he would have to go up and hug and kiss each one-super cute.  Some of the bears were older and so their wood had started decaying and he said that the bears had a boo-boo and would point it out to everyone.  We also got to go to the Ripley's Aquarium which we love.  It was awesome.  It had sharks, turtles, lots of fish and a dinosaur exhibit that Cale really loved!  Overall it was a great trip and it was so nice to spend time with mom and dad.  The kiddos really enjoyed their gaga and paa-paa time! 

Family pic at Laurel Falls

Riding the Incline Railway in Chattanooga

 

Paa Paa and his Aiden

They love their Gaga and Paa Paa

Hanging at Rock City

Mom and I were less than thrilled with the swinging bridge at Rock City

Our little squirrel friend that would come to our door everyday

At the top of Clingman's Dome

Had a picnic lunch by the stream one day

Gaga won't let Aiden fall in!

Cade's Cove Mill

Ripley's Aquarium, the kiddos loved this place!

Laurel Falls

Welcome to the show

Cale is on a kick right now where he comes up with shows almost everyday.  They usually involve animals, dancing and stretching and we have to watch.  Each show has acts and he likes to say "this show is going to last 2 hours."  Of course it doesn't last that long,  but it could go on for a while if we let it.  Sometime we have to tell him that he can only have so many acts in this show if it's before bed or he would let it go on forever.  Jeff has been the annoucer/ringmaster for most of the shows and if he is not around, then Cale does it himself.  Each act is something different.  Say for example-the elephants are the first act.  Then they go back and the next act comes out.  Cale acts out all the animals.  They do tricks.  Aiden even joins in the show a lot of times and acts out the animals too.  It's pretty cool!

Big brother

Cale has continued to just blossom and grow this year.  Not that he didn't before he was 4, but he's just totally into his world around him and he's smart and can figure things out pretty quickly.  He asks why all the time.  I have to admit I sometimes cringe when I hear that word why.  It's exhausting to be on mentally all the time and try to have the answers for him.  I have to admit a lot of my answers are just I don't know because honestly, I just don't know.  He loves to play with his animals and trains and still has this amazing creativity and imagination where he can just sit and play and play making up stories and adventures for whatever he's playing with.  Right now he's got these ocean creatures that he loves to play with and will just come up with all sorts of scenarios for them and act them out with them. 

4 years is not easy discipline wise.  Man, there are a lot of whines, tears, back talk and discipline.  I think a lot of  it is just him pushing the boundaries, but it is some nights beyond exhausting.  Overall he is a sweet kid who loves people, loves to play with other kids, is tenderhearted and emotional, has an amazing zest and energy for life, always wants to learn more, is smart, and so many more things.  But I have to say there are moments with him where I easily lose patience and just don't understand why there are fits about the most insignificant things. 

I just have to trust that God is using me and Jeff to mold Cale, that we discipline out of love and sometimes grace if we mess up and lose our patience and then need to go apologize to him.  He is a gift to us and we love him dearly!  I think something else that overwhelms me about him is that I just don't know what to always do.  I don't always know how to respond to a fit, what the best discipline is or why he gets why he is being disciplined, but the next day does the same thing again.  Somedays are mind boggilng with both children.  I have moments where I think what am I doing and this parenthood thing is too hard.  Those moments though are fleeting and the joy far outweighs the struggle.  But I have to remember and try to remember (although I honestly don't everyday), that Cale and Aiden are God's children 1st and foremost and that we are to love them as God loves us and teach them about the love of God.  That means parenting with love and grace even in the discipline.  I mess up on this a lot, but am hoping that as I continue on this parenthood journey with Jeff that God continues to just mold and shape our hearts so that we can love our children well.  Understanding too that this means we will mess up many times and that in those moments we offer ourselves grace and our children love and grace.

Even though it's the toughest job on earth, I wouldn't change parenthood and all the love inside for our children we feel, the laughter, the smiles, the tears, the hard moments, and the privilege and honor of being a parent for anything.

Putting it together

Aiden is starting to put little sentences together and it is awesome.  His favorite right now is "Aiden do it."  You would think he was a teenager because he sure does think he can do everything!  It cracks us up!  If you ask him a question, he actually give you an answer, but he usually starts out by saying ummm... and then there is a pause while he thinks about his answer.  For example, we went to the zoo on Friday and I asked him what we saw at the zoo and he responded "ummm.... (pause), lions, elephants, trains, people"  I was quite impressed.  If he's not saying Aiden do it, then he's saying Mommy do it.  He and I are two peas in a pod that's for sure.  He wants mommy to do everything, which honestly gets a little exhausting sometime, but I have to remember that these moments are fleeting and someday he will want me to do nothing for him!  He loves Cale and is starting to get in that stage where he wants to do everything, say everything that big brother does.  It's so cute and so far Cale doesn't seem to mind :)  You have to hug and kiss everyone good night, even the dogs.  One of the other things you say that's so cute is "what happened" and you put your little arms out gesturing when you say it.  Last night you were playing with a toy elephant and you said "elephant crying" and I asked why and you said "eat" and proceeded to feed him pretend food.  This literally went on for like 20 minutes where you just kept saying elephant crying and then you and your brother wanted to strip down to your diaper and underwear and run around like naked babies. Where does your energy come from?

Aiden-daddy and I adore and love you.  You mostly have us in stitches, even though somedays lets be honest, you are a strong willed child and mentally exhaust us.  You definitely know how to say know and throw a fit and have learned what time outs are at an early age.

We look forward to seeing where that strong will takes you-what God will do with that will, how you will develop.  You and your brother are truly a blessing.