Struggle to stay in the moment

We had a great trip and then reality hit pretty quickly.  We got in Friday night and Jeff left at 4:00 Saturday morning to begin a 4 city trip over the next 2 weeks for a video shoot that he is doing.  He will be in St. Louis for a few days, but for the most part, I am on my own with the kiddos.  The trip wore me it, it was great, but it wore me out.  Traveling with kiddos is exhausting that's for sure.  Aiden slept with me and Jeff in a little crib, but a lot of times ended up in bed with us (which he doesn't do at home).  It was nice to have that snuggle time, but exhausting because that little boy can move in his sleep which means momma didn't rest well.  So I started thinking yesterday how long the next few weeks would be with Jeff gone.  In the past few days I have really just had to cheer myself on in my head sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute just saying "you can do this Brandi, you got this."  I'll be honest, Jeff and I make a great team and I wear out easily when I am by myself for multiple days.  I also have a house to keep up with-laundry calling my name, dog hair piling up on the floor, kiddos yelling mommy every 5 seconds it seems.  I get overwhelmed by it all-want to make good choices, want to sit and play with the kiddos, but also want to tend to our household.  I honestly have a hard time playing too.  I could sit for hours as a kid and play barbies or make believe, but now it's hard for me to just sit with the kiddos and just play with no distractions.  That's all they want all the time.  All day yesterday it was "mommy play with us."  I'm not kidding, it was all day!  Jeff is amazing at this.  He can just get into their world and it is such a cool thing to see him with his boys playing.  He's an amazing daddy!  It's hard for me to stay in that moment because I honestly feel like I am not accomplishing anything-it's not like I am putting up the dishwasher or can see a pile of laundry disappear by folding it up.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kiddos, I know it's good to get into their world and just be with them.  That's honestly all kids ever want is for you to be, not do, just be.  So yesterday off and on all day I just sat with them.  We built a zoo out of legos and took our trains through the zoo to see the animals.  We doctored some sick animals with our doctors kit and masking tape.  I sat and watched one of Cale's shows that he loves to put on right now.  They weren't long extended periods of times, but I got into their world and they loved it.  I need to keep this in perspective because I am struggling with it this weekend.  This parenting thing is hard.   I feel like sometimes I am not a good enough mom if I am not spending time playing with or pretending/make-believing with my kids and getting in their world.  I know some mom's that do this well and I then look at myself and think what am I doing wrong.  Why don't I enjoy this more, why don't I just love sitting with my kiddos and taking a break from the crazy world around me.  Why can't I just disconnect from the world more and be with my kiddos.  Today at church I talked to my mom a little about this and she said, just do little things, it doesn't have to be all the time.  Get them involved in what you are doing.  If the dishwasher needs to be put up see if they want to help you.  So today after church I did that-my mind was telling me that I am not a good mom unless I am with them always and play with them and get into their world and my mind was also telling me-you haven't even put up your clothes from the trip yet, there is a dishwasher full of dishes that needs to be put up.  So I went into the kitchen to put some dishes up and start lunch-and they both followed of course-and they both wanted to help, so I let them.  It wasn't really helping :), but they just bascially took things off the top of the shelf and put them on the bottom or stacked them on the bottom.  Cale did good at putting sippy cups together and they had fun.  They were doing it with me, we were together.  Then they got their toy story toys out and would come and fly them to me as Buzz or bring Woody riding on Bullseye and I would ask them what they were up to, what adventures they were on and try to be part of what they were doing by helping make Buzz work by pressing the buttons, or giving Woody a high five.  Then for about 10 minutes they played together beautifully by themselves in the living room as I finished lunch up.  After lunch Cale helped me put away the suitcase and we made a game of it and then it was nap time.  I told Cale after naps that we would go to Home Depot and asked him if he would help me pick out some beautiful flowers for our front porch at the condo.  His little face lit up!  I think we will go get ice cream and watch the Amtrak after that. 

I can say that I don't think I will ever be a mom that can just sit and be all the time with my kiddos.  My mind goes too many places-to many thoughts of all the other responsibilities that I have as a mom and wife.  But my kiddos should be my priority.  I need to be more intentional of getting into their world.  Even if that means 5-10 minutes here and there throughout the day.  I can't do it all day, but I can still make my children a priority.  I also need to stop beating myself up about not being the perfect mom-I see so many other mom's out there and think-man do they have it together, how do they make it work, how do they love their kids so well when I feel like I lose my patience easily and look forward to bed time for kiddos many nights.  I beat myself up in a lot of areas of my life, mothering is probably the one I do the most.  What I need to do is look at the small moments and realize they are victories-yesterday sitting for 30 minutes and playing zoo and trains with my kiddos was a victory for me.  It doesn't have to be a constant 24 hour a day victory of being super mom.  It's trying everyday, falling, getting back up by the grace of God, praying sometimes every hour or every minute for patience and love for your children, and the most important thing-showing them God, Jesus-who they are, what that means in relation to having a relationship with God and others in this world.  And I think we are on to something there.  After church today Cale was so excited to be saying over and over again "Jesus is Alive" and all he wants to read for nap and bed time right now is his Jesus Storybook Bible.  So we read a story today and were looking at the next story we would read tonight and I didn't even have to say anything about the battle of Jericho and he starts telling me about it from the picture.  He is a sweet soul and that warmed my mommy heart.

I am not super mom, I am not perfect, I am not a mom who can sit all day and play-but I can have moments, I can bring my kiddos into my moments and make them fun, I can bring them into housework and show them responsibility and make it fun.  Jeff and I can teach them to love God first and what it means to be a follower of Jesus.  I hope I can someday get to the point where I don't beat myself up so much (that's something I have done all my life-talked myself down, said I am not worthy in so many areas outside of parenting).  I hope I can live in the moments and not in the I am not doing it right every second of every day so something must be wrong with me!  I pray more and more that I can accept and understand that God loves me unconditionally no matter if the dishes are dirty, no matter if I played with my kids for 30 minutes or 5 hours. I pray that I stop this unhealthy cycle of comparing myself to other moms, wives, business women, what have you and feeling like I never measure up. I pray that my kiddos will know the love of me and Jeff and know that we are going to mess up plenty of times and grow from it in many occasions.  But most of all I hope they will see their Heavenly Father's love, unconditional, unfailing, reaching beyond time constrictions or boundaries love.  This I feel is our greatest job as a parent, to love our children well in a fallen and broken world, let them know we are not perfect and won't always get it right and teach them in those moments, and let them know of a Father whose love is some days unfathomable to even me someone who has believed in her heart in Jesus since I was a teenager.